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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Communicating August 9, 2017

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Continuing with my chapter-by-chapter review of the 1968 guidebook for prospective Mormon missionaries.  I’ve been away from this series for a long time, let’s get back to it.  Chapter 16: Conversation Care.

So far, there has been a lot of bad advice in this book, a lot of condescension, and quite a few amusingly outdated attitudes.  But finally we’ve come to a chapter where our author actually has mostly good advice for these kids!  Apparently she has enough experience with talking to people that she knows her stuff here.  Mostly.

Her advice includes:

  • Paying attention to first impressions.
  • Avoiding bad grammar,  slang, and pretentious vocabulary.
  • Maintaining a tone of voice that is not harsh, loud, or monotonous.
  • Avoiding profanity.
  • Listening more than you talk, and not monopolizing a conversation.
  • Avoiding off-color stories, and long boring personal stories.
  • Avoiding gossiping or bragging.
  • Avoiding responding to insults to your home country in kind.
  • Not fidgeting or chewing gum.
  • Looking to the people around you for cues as to appropriate formality in speech.
  • Not embarrassing someone for not remembering your name.

This is all good stuff, and should be observed by anyone who is trying to persuade people through conversation.

However, sometimes her good advice comes crashing back down into preachiness:

“Keep an open mind and never be afraid to listen to another version of truth.  Learn to say, “I think” or “It seems to me” except, of course, when it comes to talking about the gospel and bearing your testimony; then you always say “I know.” (pg 147)

And she concludes with a complicated discussion about making introductions, and whose name you should mention first.  I remember seeing similar sets of rules for this when I was a child, and I don’t remember ever having occasion to use them.    Here’s her rules:

“Rule I: Introduce the younger person to the older.  This means you say the older person’s name first…

Rule II: Introduce the male to the female. This means you say the female’s name first…

Rule III: Introduce the less important person to the more important. This means you say the more important person’s name first.” (pg 149)

And then this:

“Unfortunately there will be a few times when these rules will have to be broken.  Perhaps you’ll need to introduce an elderly man to an important man, or an important man to a woman.  In such cases, rule breaking is based on respect.  The very old person’s name is said first to show respect for old age, and the person holding an important church or civic position is mentioned first to show respect for a man of his stature and office.” (pg 150)

I’m still confused.  What if you need to introduce a fairly important person to a rather old person?  Or an important woman to an elderly man?  (Oh, silly me!  This is Mormonism, there is no such thing as an important woman!)

But my real problem with these rules is that it forces the person making the introductions to make value judgments about people, and letting them know how you judged them.  You have to evaluate whether a person is more important than the other person is old, or whether someone’s importance or age places them ahead of women in introductions.  I hate this whole thing!  By the simple act of helping people get to know each other, you might inadvertently offend somebody!  And you sometimes have to make these snap judgement on the spot, too.  And there are things that you might have wanted to consider, such as which person you know better, or which person you arrived with, or who you are currently talking to, and none of these are allowed to be considered in this artificial system.  Let’s just have nametags and be done with it.

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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Missionaries Behaving Badly October 20, 2016

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Continuing with my chapter-by-chapter review of the 1968 guidebook for prospective missionaries:

Chapter 15.  Skeletons in Missionary Closets

(Content advisory: animal cruelty)

A whole chapter on misbehavior!  Let’s see where this goes.

“While fulfilling a mission is a great privilege, it is also a great responsibility.  Everything you say or do is being recorded in somebody’s mind for good or ill.” (pg 136)

So we start right out with setting an impossible standard that 19-year-old boys really can’t be expected to live up to. And then?

“A tactful missionary will not step over his bounds; he will respect other people’s beliefs rather than argue with them; he will not laugh at quaint or unusual mannerisms or customs but will view them so sympathetically as to adopt them as his own, at least during his mission; he will not criticize the people, the bus system, the food, the toilet tissue which might bear a strong resemblance to either wax paper or sandpaper, nor the beds which he suspects were invented for medieval torture chambers.  Rather, he will admire what these people do have, realizing that all persons are entitled to hold good opinions of themselves and their country, and that they are happy the way they live and are proud of their backgrounds and country just as we are of ours.” (pp 136-137)

Right.  Respect their beliefs, then tell them that they are completely wrong about everything they think about religion and have to change to what you think.  Good plan.

So, as this author usually does, she harps on manners.  She gives us a couple of examples on the necessity of thanking people.  The first story I think really shows how outdated this book has become: A missionary had to be hospitalized, and of course didn’t have the money to pay for it.  A local Mormon paid for his treatment, and the missionary never bothered to thank him.  The author says about the Mormon: “She told herself to forget it since it wasn’t a matter of great consequence…”  Nowadays, there’s no way that a hospital bill could be considered a matter of no consequence, it would be a huge financial outlay and a really big deal.

The second story also includes somebody being extremely rude, but I don’t think I agree with the author as to who the rude people were.

“One mission president and his wife decided to surprise their missionaries with a big Christmas dinner.  Turkey was scarce in this distant land…. His wife worked in the kitchen for days making all the trimmings to go with the turkey, but they both felt rewarded just anticipating the eyes that would sparkle and the mouths that would water as the door of the dining room was opened at the climactic moment to show the festive table.  On Christmas morning the missionaries all arrived for a brief meeting following which the mission president happily announced that they were all to stay for dinner.  Just as he was opening the door into the beautifully decorated dining room, two elders blurted out “Do we have to stay? We were going to hit a flick.” (Go to a show.) With spirits somewhat dampened the mission president said “I think maybe you’ll want to stay when you see what we have planned for you.” Without so much as a single word of thanks, these same two elders complained to their mission president the following day that they got cheated out of their day off…and they had to go over to his house and eat that Christmas dinner!” (pp 137-8)

Somebody was rude here, but it wasn’t the missionaries.  This mission president didn’t think that any of the 180 missionaries in attendance would have already made plans for christmas Day.  Perhaps they were already invited to eat with local friends, perhaps that was the one day in the whole year that they allowed themselves the luxury of a movie and already had tickets, perhaps they had spent the previous week being invited to christmas dinners at other houses, and stuffing themselves each night.  This mission president just assumed that his idea of what a perfect christmas dinner should be would take precedence over the plans of all these other people, and that they should just drop everything they had on their schedule to stay for his dinner.  It’s pretty clear that while these youngsters are expected to take on the responsibilities of an adult, in no other way is the hierarchy treating them like adults.

Now we come to a long section on “don’ts”, and bad examples.

“For instance, two elders in a playful manner placed a rubber band around a dog’s mouth, but they inadvertently forgot to take the elastic off when they went into the house for supper.  For five days the poodle wouldn’t eat and the landlady couldn’t imagine what was wrong (the rubber band had worked down into the fur and couldn’t be seen). Finally she took the dog to a veterinarian who had to perform a minor operation in order to cut the elastic which had become embedded in the animal’s flesh.” (pg 138)

Playful manner? Really?

“In one of the foreign missions, a group of elders found some old American Remington and Winchester rifles.  So great was their excitement at this unexpected discovery that it blurred their judgment and consideration for others: they climbed on top of the church and began shooting at stray cats.  People throughout the neighborhood began saying “What’s the matter with those Mormons?”  Then they began referring to the elders as ‘Latter-day Cat Haters.’ “(pg 138)

So remember, missionaries, don’t be cruel to animals because it makes Mormons look bad.

One lovely member lady actually said to a mission president’s wife “Please don’t send us any more missionaries – wait a few years until the town can forget the last two!’ ” (pg 138-9)

“An elder or sister who is living up to the ideals of missionary work will never do any of the following…”

15. Feel that just because a method works it is right.  For instance, one elder resorted to many different tactics to gain entrance to people’s homes.  When a lady opened her door, he would throw his hat in and then have to go in to get it.  Or, he’d walk in without making any comment and then say, “I’ll get the table ready while you get your Bible.” …

18.  Be impatient with those not ready to accept baptism.  One elder actually pounded the table and said to an investigator, “You are ungrateful.  You should be thankful that you have been called.   You must join now when the call is upon you.”  The woman was offended and has not joined to this day.” (pp 139-40)

So at least there are limits on sneakiness in getting your foot in the door to preach at people.  Bait and switch is OK (as seen in a prior chapter), and cornering your seatmate on a plane, but not overt rudeness.

Next section is back to basics on manners, this time regarding relations with the landlord.  Don’t be noisy, don’t leave a mess when you move out, pay your bills, etc.  All really good advice.

And finally a long section on relations with Mormons who live in the area the missionary is working in.  Mostly it boils down to “yes visit them, but remember to behave like a guest, and don’t take advantage of their hospitality.”  I also think this section is more of a cautionary tale for Mormons living in areas where there are missionaries active.

“On her arrival, one mission president’s wife who sincerely wanted to be like a mother to all the missionaries living in the mission home made the statement ‘I want you to know that this is now your home,’ but it wasn’t long before she had to put little signs all over the house such as the one on the refrigerator which said “Keep out.  For family use only.” (pp 142-3)

That was her mistake.  If you tell a bunch of 19-year-olds to “make themselves at home”, then you should not be surprised if they put their feet on the furniture, eat all the food in in the fridge, leave dirty dishes in the sink, and borrow your stuff without asking.

messy-kitchen

I found this chapter somewhat refreshing.  All through this book there’s been this impossibly high standard set for the missionaries, that they have to be perfect every moment, always smiling, always polite, and must never slack off or relax too much, or stop thinking about pushing their religion on everybody.  Do the missionaries actually live up to this expectation?  From reading all of the “don’t let this happen” examples in this chapter, it’s pretty clear that a lot of them don’t.

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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Stuff September 30, 2016

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Continuing the series on the 1968 guidebook for prospective Mormon missionaries:

Chapter 14, Extra Equipment – Help or Hindrance?

OK, enough of the motivational rah-rah talk from last chapter, now she’s getting back to useful discussions about preparing for the trip.   This chapter is a discussions about reasons to bring (or not bring) particular items of optional equipment.

Camera

“It has been said that everyone will be able to tell when the end of the world comes because the Mormon missionaries will be there with their cameras!”(pg 124)

She actually has some practical advice about not bringing expensive camera equipment that might be damaged, lost or stolen.  But she makes an assumption that the result of their photography will be slides, not snapshots.  Because everybody will enjoy sitting down for a couple hour slideshow when the missionary gets back, right?  (Uggghhh.)

Flip Charts

“The flip charts replace the use of flannel boards in proselyting…”(pg 127)

flannel-board

Flannel boards?  Are you kidding me?  Are we in preschool?  It’s insulting enough that they send 19-year-olds out to tell everybody else that they need to change religions, but flannel boards?

Radio

“Taking a radio into the mission field is basically discouraged. … Admit that uncontrolled radio listening can make you homesick, and it can be a waste of time as well as distracting.  How does one keep spiritually elevated while listening to very earthy rock and roll?” (pp 127-8)

“Some missionaries also feel that being able to comment on the news, either local or worldwide, is a good “in” when making initial contact. (Of course, this works in reverse too: often a good approach with contacts is to ask them what’s going on.)” (pg 128)

Great, so remaining deliberately uninformed is a strategy for persuading people that you know what you’re talking about.

Tape Recorder

There are several reasons why mission presidents discourage the use of tape recorders among their missionaries, and they all center around the word “temptation”. (pg 129)

Yes, this was 1968.  What was happening in 1968 that a missionary could listen to, that might be considered “temptation”?

stonejoplin

hendrixTheSlowDrag-PeteTownshend-TheWho

sgt-pepper-beatles

Oh right. That.

So what does our author have to say about this?

“…the biggest temptation is wanting to record jazz music for one’s own enjoyment.  One elder even had his mother send him a tape of the Smothers Brothers and he listened to it every time he stepped inside his apartment.” (pg 129)

Wait, this book was published in 1968, and “temptation” was listening to these guys?

smothersbrot

OK, I admit I’m a fan of the Smothers Brothers.  Their TV show was pretty politically subversive.  But their albums were mostly just them mangling folk songs, getting history wrong and arguing with each other.  No screaming, no wailing guitars, just two impossibly cleancut young men telling us about one-humped camel races and the ballad of Big Ben Covington.  Given the music that was happening at the time, the Mormons should have been thrilled for their missionaries to be listening to the Smothers Brothers!

Musical Instruments

“Two missionaries advertised in the local paper that they would give free music lessons to children and baptized ten people in three months.  The one elder gave the musical instruction while his companion talked Mormonism to the rest of the family” (p 134)

That’s not “free”.  That’s “bait and switch”.

“Guitars, accordions, harmonicas and jews harps are useful when working, or rather relaxing, with young people and they are good for your own personal enjoyment on your day off, but they are bad for “goofing off.” (pg 135)

Jews harps are useful?  For what?  Are they going to talk about nose flutes while they are at it?  (For those of you who don’t know what a jews harp/jaw harp is, watch this video.)

Next up, a chapter on missionaries behaving badly.  OOOOH, can’t wait!

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Happy Blasphemy! September 30, 2016

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blasphemy-day

It’s Blasphemy Rights Day!

In appreciation for living in a country where it’s (currently) not illegal to say bad things about people’s beliefs, I’d like to state the following:

Islam is a religion that contains a few good ideas and a lot of really horrible ones.  People who follow it should quit.

Christianity is a religion that contains a few good ideas and a lot of really horrible ones. People who follow it should quit.

Judaism is a religion that contains a few good ideas and a lot of really horrible ones. People who follow it should quit.

Same for Scientology, Hinduism, Mormonism, and most other isms out there.  Stop giving these organizations your money.  Stop doing what their self-appointed holy men tell you to do.

worst-kite-ever

And now, to make sure I have offended everybody:

Professional sports aren’t really important, and we spend too much money on them.

The Battlestar Galactica reboot could have used better writers.  So could Lost.

Beer is gross.  So is champagne.  So is coffee.

“Sherlock” is only just OK, and doesn’t compare to the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes series.

Did I miss anybody?

jeez-it

“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Sell the product September 14, 2016

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Continuing the series on the 1968 guidebook for prospective missionaries:

Chapter 13, Proselyting Care

(I still continue to find it very weird that this book says “proselyting” instead of “proselytizing” as most people do.)

So, we’ve been through chapters of advice on manners and laundry and packing and cooking, and all kinds of things that missionaries need to do, but we have finally come to the loooong chapter about the primary activity that the missionaries are supposed to do: sell the product.

mormon_missionaries_door

Now, if you remember, right at the start the guidebook said it was not going address details of theology. So this chapter is about motivation and salesmanship.  And as usual, there’s a mix of actual practical advice (like learn from people that have already been doing this, or be patient, or tolerant of a less motivated companion,) but also some really over-the-top instructions.

So what helpful advice does our guidebook have?  It starts out this way:

“If you want to have a successful mission you must start out successfully.  The magic formula is successful W O R K.  Just as it is true that no one has yet devised a method for getting wheat out of straw except by threshing it, so it is true that no one has yet devised a method for baptizing people into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints without meeting with them and converting them.  Such a supreme accomplishment is impossible for a missionary who is easygoing or lazy, sitting in his room all or part of the day, or indulging in too much social activity.  The Lord has never said his work would be easy; he has promised that if you work, you’ll be happy doing what you came to do, while if you don’t, you’ll be nothing but miserable.” (pg 113)

So, right off the focus is work ethic, work makes you happy, don’t goof off.  Relaxing too much will make you unhappy.  What else does our author have to say about this work?

“Are you a cheerful happy friendly person who can smile and keep a song in your heart even though slapped down periodically by discouragement? …  Remember a cheerful person is not one who has no problem; rather he is one who has made a habit not to wear his problems on his face nor reveal them in his tone of voice.” (pg 114)

“Can you jump in with both feet and forget yourself, your clothes, dates, friends at home, and personal pleasures, devoting yourself to your one purpose of fulfilling and honorable forceful mission?” (pg 114)

“HINT: If you don’t get going and do your job well, the whole district suffers.” (pg 115)

“Can you work as though the success of the whole mission depended on you but pray and have faith as though it all depended on the Lord?” (pg 115)

“Missionary work is a team effort from the mission president down to the greenest missionary.  Success within the team rests solidly on respect for authority. … Obey their rules.  Keep them whether you think they are important or not — even little ones.” (pg 115)

This is sounding more and more like a creepy cult.  Don’t show how you feel, smile all the time, forget your own life, obey authority, and everybody else is depending on your doing this. Yeesh.

And you know how impossibly upbeat and smiley Mormon missionaries always are?

“Hallmarks of success as listed in the handbook of the Central Atlantic States Mission are:

  1. Be affirmative in your thinking and speech.  Avoid negative words and phrases: “if,” “I hope,” “I’ll try,” and “I’ll do my best.”  Say instead “I’ll do it.”
  2. Smile.
  3. Look people in the eye.
  4. Be enthusiastic.”

What about relaxation?

“…in order to be happy and productive in one’s work he must not do it all the time.  Because this is true, missionaries are given time off each week to enjoy a change of pace.  … This does not mean, however, that you should ever pass up an opportunity to present the gospel message.   …. Every time you need toothpaste, purchase it at a different store and then, even though it is your diversion day, ask the Golden Questions.” (pg 116)

So a missionary needs to relax, but at the same time he’s never supposed to totally relax.

Some other great bits:

Humility:

“Just because you have been ordained to teach the gospel doesn’t qualify you to tell people how to solve all their daily problems.  In the mission field as at home humility is always the supreme Christian virtue” (pg 114)

So knock on people’s doors, tell them their religion is completely wrong, tell them that they have to stop believing what they believe and start believing what you believe, but be humble!

elder-cunningham-2

Success:

“As Henry Ford preached all his life, ‘Whether a man says he can or he can’t, that man is right.’ “(pg 117)

Right.  Which is why you meet so many people who can fly.

Time management:

“If you take your clothes to a laundromat, memorize and review scriptures while your clothes are washing.” (pg 118)

“You can waste time reading cheap books, going to shows, getting together too often with other elders to eat or visit, going sightseeing every few days, socializing regularly at certain members’ homes, staying in your apartment for hours at a time performing accumulated trivial tasks, or shopping around every spare moment looking at cameras, tape recorders, radios, etc.  But again, what have you gained?” (pg 120)

Living your real life, that’s what you’ve gained, instead of wasting it trying to sell dogma.

Discouragement:

“It has been said that even the most miserable-looking crow has a hunch he’ll look like a peacock and sing like a nightingale some day.” (pg 121)

“Discouragement is Satan’s most useful tool.  He uses it to pry inside your consciousness.  Once inside and in control, he can use you in whatever way pleases him.” (pg 120)

Satan?  This is the first mention I’ve heard of Satan in this book; I wasn’t aware that Mormons made a big deal out of the Satan thing.

“Have you ever stopped to think that even Christ didn’t convert everyone?” (pg 121)

Because apparently there are some things that are just too difficult for an omnipotent god.

“The Lord knows which people are ready to accept the gospel, because it is up to you to find them.” (pg 122)

Because even though you pray to god and ask him to tell you things, he’s not going to tell you anything that’s actually useful.

 

But, to be fair, there was one part in this chapter that I really did like, an example about quarry workers:

“When someone asked the first worker what he was doing he answered, “I’m cutting stone.”  The second worker when asked the same question said, “I’m carving a lintel.”  The third quarry worker replied, “I’m building a cathedral.” (pg 117)

That’s a good example about perspective, which I might apply to help with motivation in tasks that are a small part of a worthwhile endeavor.  Unlike preaching.

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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Roommates August 27, 2016

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Continuing with the chapter-by-chapter dissection of the 1968 guide for prospective Mormon Missionaries.

Chapter 12, Companion Care

you_and_me

The chapter begins:

Sooner or later every missionary will find that his mission life is a mixture of good days and bad, success and disappointment, give and take. (page 101)

Let’s fix that:

Sooner or later every missionary person will find that his mission life is a mixture of good days and bad, success and disappointment, give and take.

This chapter is about getting along with assigned companions, and in general has a lot of good advice about getting along with people.

I’ve been looking at the stress level for these youngsters, who are thrown into a strange place, cut off from family and friends, and expected to sell religion door-to-door, not to mention the expectation of perfect clothes and grooming, clean quarters, and impeccable table manners.  Now add the additional stress of being assigned to spend 24 hours a day with a stranger.  This is worse than college roommates, because you can spend most of your time away from your college roommate if you need to.  These companions are expected to spend every minute of every day together, except for using the bathroom.  Like this:

“If, without warning, he jumps off his bike and runs into a store, you have no choice but to follow him.” (pg 102)

Not just wait outside the store for him, follow him.  At this rate, they might as well be handcuffed together.  Is there any mention that the people in charge are making any effort to team up people who might be compatible?  Nope.  How about a provision for requesting a change of companion if two completely incompatible people have been assigned together?  Nope, not mentioned either.  But she does talk for several paragraphs about ways that companions might clash.  An example:

“You may be a “gourmet” while your companion takes constant delight in smothering his meat with jam.”(pg 102)

But the author does make some good points about the value of learning to get along with people.  The skills they learn in getting along with their randomly assigned companion will probably serve them well in getting along with future spouses, employers, and coworkers.  So among all the pointless things these kids are expected to do during this two-year hazing, this actually has a use in their later lives.

Felix and Oscar

She helpfully points out is that it’s a good idea to avoid being annoying, and to be aware of things that others find annoying.  And she provides a helpful and lengthy list, which is so wonderful that I’m going to include the whole thing here.

“Fifty personal habits which have proved to be annoying are:

  1. Leaving hair in the washbasin.
  2. Squeezing a tube of toothpaste the wrong way or leaving the cap off.
  3. Not cleaning out the bathtub.
  4. Not putting away personal toilet articles.
  5. Using companion’s towel, washcloth and even toothbrush.
  6. Staying in the bathroom for long periods of time; using all the hot water.
  7. Leaving washcloth in the tub.
  8. Not knowing when it is time to take a bath.
  9. Kicking off shoes and leaving them in the middle of the floor.
  10. Acting undignified; slouching on couch, crossing legs so that hairy legs show.
  11. Yawning without covering your mouth.
  12. Not making your bed.
  13. Dropping clothes on the floor.
  14. Snoring.
  15. Picking teeth with fingers.
  16. Being bossy and telling the other how to cook.
  17. Eating like a horse.
  18. Placing elbows on table while eating.
  19. Slurping soup.
  20. Not accepting responsibility for cooking meals according to schedule.
  21. Not washing the dishes right after a meal but waiting until everything is dirty and then doing them; failing to wash dishes really clean.
  22. Dressing in poor taste.
  23. Indulging in such bothering mannerisms as sniffing or clearing throat.
  24. Using poor English such as “ain’t,” “he done,” “we wuz,” etc.
  25. Being slouchy and lazy.
  26. Borrowing clothes or money; “what’s yours is mine” attitude.
  27. Not obeying mission rules (i.e. leaving city without permission).
  28. Wasting time by making unnecessary trips to shopping centers, banks, etc.
  29. Being stingy with money.
  30. Being wasteful with money. (Leaving lights, heat and water on, leaving iron on and refrigerator door open; using too much toilet paper, etc.)
  31. Tapping foot on floor or pencil on a book.
  32. Being selfish; having a “what’s in it for me” attitude.
  33. Saying one’s home town is better than companion’s.
  34. Being bullheaded and set in ways.
  35. Kidding when companion doesn’t know how to take it.
  36. Being opinionated – “a know it all” who can’t listen.
  37. Having a habit of being late for everything.
  38. Being selfish and ungrateful; not doing anything for anyone, or if companion does something for you, doing it over.
  39. Humming in a subdued tone.
  40. Being noisy if you get up earlier or stay up later than your companion.
  41. Interrupting others; monopolizing conversations.
  42. Belittling member’s superstitions even if done jokingly; imitating member’s mannerisms or voice peculiarities.
  43. Being overly sensitive.
  44. Acting spoiled.
  45. Complaining about everything.
  46. Correcting a companion in front of others.
  47. Criticizing, insulting, or finding fault with a companion.
  48. Taking an hour to polish shoes while companion sits and waits.
  49. Carrying a chip on your shoulder.
  50. Having the “I” disease: “I” made this baptism, “I” got this contact, instead of “we.” (pp 103-4)

I find it interesting that all these are thrown in together in no particular order, and that major rule breaking is not given any more emphasis than subdued humming.  And things you can’t help, like snoring, are lumped in with easily corrected irritants like soup slurping and leaving hair in the sink.

But mostly me

A lot of this chapter sounds like it could have been written by a professional counselor, and has some really good advice.  (Surprise!)  Like this section:

“…you must first learn to accept the fact that conflict is normal.  Then you must learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.  You must be able to recognize the difference between frankness and rudeness.  You must be able to explain something without sounding superior.  You must give more than you take.  You must try to forget little differences of opinion quickly once they are resolved.” (pg 107)

But not all of the chapter comes up to this standard.  Remember in the chapter on table manners, where there was advice to lie to your hostess?  And to avoid telling them directly when you aren’t allowed to eat something, or don’t like their food?  Well this chapter has a heavy dose of advice about how to use passive-aggressive manipulation on your companion.

“If you can’t teach through example, perhaps you can through suggestion: “Shall we cook a big dinner tonight?”  “Shall we make our beds  before we eat breakfast?”  “Shall we adjust the schedule so that we can get our hair cut today?”  Or perhaps you can teach through exaggeration.  If your companion leaves one light on, accentuate the problem by turning all the lights on.  Or sometimes you can embarrass a companion into doing what’s right. Make his bed for him when he doesn’t do it himself.  Pick up after him and hang his clothes up when he forgets to do so.” (pg 110)

I know if I had a roommate who was obsessed with always having the beds made, and they started making my bed for me, you know what I’d do?  I’d let them!  It’s obvious that they care more about it than I do, and if that’s the way they want to spend their time, them good for them.

And of course there’s a hefty emphasis on the overwhelming niceness that seems to pervade Mormonism.

“But remember, there are not likely to be so many problems if you reduce friction by consistently oiling the machinery with a mixture of the five C’s: Cheerfulness, Compliments, Courtesy, Consideration and Compromise.” (pg 111)

And, of course, the religious answer to any problem is to focus on the religion harder, because they aren’t allowed to consider that religion is the root cause of any of their problems.

“Every morning before you leave your living quarters to begin the day’s work take hold of your companion’s hand and tell him that you love him and that you are both doing the work which is right, and that the gospel is true.  Pray together every morning and every evening for a mutual understanding; then shake hands afterwards.  Remember, the more diligently you proselyte the less time you’ll have for pettiness, because little things have a way of adding up when you are not doing the job and when you don’t have the missionary spirit.” (pg 112)

(You know, when things are actually true, it’s not necessary to constantly remind each other of this.  I spent plenty of time around scientists in college, and I never had any of them feel the need to reassure me that gravity was true, or that electrons exist.  I never had a music class where we worried about proving the existence of music.  I didn’t have to get together every morning with my classmates to reassure each other about the fact that computers were real.)

So, to sum up, if missionaries are not getting along with their completely aggravating roommates that they must live with 24 hours a day, the solution includes being passive-aggressive about chores, working themselves to exhaustion, and obsessing about religion.  Yeah, that’ll work.

 

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“So You’re Going on a Mission” Squeaky Clean! August 23, 2016

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Continuing on with the chapter-by chapter review of the 1968 handbook for prospective Mormon Missionaries:

Chapter 10, Grooming Care

shiny teethThis chapter is really short compared to the chapter on table manners.  Most of it is just the usual nagging-mother litany of take a bath, comb your hair, brush your teeth, use deodorant, put on a clean shirt, shine your shoes, get that dirt out from under your nails, smile, and for goodness sake don’t slouch.  Nothing that these kids’ moms haven’t been telling them for years.

But there are a couple of gems here:

 “Once upon a time a lady opened her door, looked a Mormon missionary up and down, and then commented: “My but your shoes are shiny. Why don’t you come in?” (pg 90)

And then there’s this puzzling metaphor:

“Carry a clean handkerchief, but don’t use it for nose-blowing.  An elder who pulls out a dirty handkerchief to wipe the perspiration off his head and neck slides down his totem pole with a bang.”(pg 91)

I don’t know what that means either.

andrew-rannells-book-of-mormon

But the other part to having that squeaky-clean Mormon image is making sure those blindingly white shirts stay that way.  So let’s go on to:

Chapter 11, Clothes Care

Most of this chapter is a laundry list of laundry tips.  Also included is other advice on clothing care, like three paragraphs about deciding whether or not to darn your socks.

There’s lots of tips for stain removal, including a suggestion to use Goddards Dry Clean on food stains.  I hadn’t heard of that!  So it looked it up.  It was removed from the market a few years ago because the ingredients were hazardous.  Or how about this tip:

“Shoe Polish  Take off with rubbing alcohol or carbon tetrachloride. (pg 97)”

poisonWait what?  I’ve never seen carbon tetrachloride for sale as a stain remover.  I’ve never seen it for sale at all!  So I looked it up.  Turns out that it’s a nasty chemical indeed; exposure can cause many physical problems including nerve damage and acute liver failure.  It’s use as a drycleaning solvent was discontinued in the 1950’s and it was banned in consumer products completely in 1970.  So her information was already way out of date when this book was published, and she was recommending a hazardous chemical as a household laundry product.

“Many missionaries save themselves a considerable amount of money by taking advantage of self-service dry cleaning.” (pg 97)

mr-yukIs that still even a thing?  Again, I’ve never heard of this.  Back to some research.  Apparently coin-operated drycleaning machines were introduced in 1960, and still exist. Perchloroethylene is the main solvent used in drycleaning, and has been since 1948.  But it’s use is beginning to be phased out now – turns out it’s a central nervous system depressant and probably a carcinogen!  It’s better to leave the drycleaning to the professionals.

Most of the rest is pretty ordinary stuff, like how to wash and block a sweater, or how to iron if you don’t have an ironing board.  Pretty boring, so that’s enough of this chapter.  Next time – how to get along with your assigned companions!

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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Which fork? August 21, 2016

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Continuing on with the chapter-by-chapter dissection of the 1968 guidebook for prospective missionaries.

Chapter 9, Table Manners Care

So let’s review what we’ve learned about the lives of missionaries so far:  They are sent to a random location somewhere in the world, they aren’t allowed to contact their family and friends for emotional support, and they are expected to sell a product that no-one needs door-to-door for ten hours a day, six days a week.  Then they are expected to cook for themselves, keep their quarters sparkling clean, spend all day every day with the stranger that they have been assigned as a companion,  and during their free time they are expected to study, fast and pray.  If they are stressed and frustrated, that means that they aren’t believing hard enough, and they need to study, fast and pray more. (more…)

“So You’re Going on a Mission!” What’s cooking? August 16, 2016

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Continuing with a chapter-by-chapter dissection of the 1968 guide for prospective Mormon missionaries.  Still talking about Chapter 8, Food Care.

Before I begin discussing the book, I’d like to refer everybody to the wonderful website of James Lileks, and especially his Institute of Official Cheer, which is the source for all the wonderful photos of  1950’s and 60’s “food” I have included below.

Last time we took a look at all the wonderful advice, and lack of it, for safe cooking for the new missionary.  This post, let’s see what it is that they are actually supposed to be eating.

Worst Jello ever

(more…)

“So You’re Going on a Mission!” Food Safety August 11, 2016

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Continuing with the 1968 guidebook for prospective Mormon missionaries.

Chapter 8, Food Care

This is rather a long chapter, and includes some useful information. For example, it includes an English-metric conversion chart for measurements.  If I were travelling overseas and needed to cook there, that’s something I could still use today.

Since the missionaries will be on limited food budgets, there’s quite a bit of advice on buying less expensive foods, and how to avoid wasting food.  And, as usual, there’s the usual harping on cleaning up everything.

But one of the main themes of the chapter is:

“One sick elder means two incapacitated elders, because one does not proselyte alone: therefore as a consideration both to yourself and your companion, take every precaution in the preparation of all food and drink which is to enter your body.” (pg 70)

So let’s see how our author does on food safety advice.

“B grade or cracked eggs are just as good for scrambling and general cooking as are the A grade” (pg 64)

survey says

Cracked eggs are likely to be contaminated with salmonella.  Cracked eggs should always be thrown out.

“If you are going to fry something rather than bake it, use butter, olive oil, bacon fat, or shortening.  Margarine is not satisfactory because it burns easily.” (pg 67)

survey sayssurvey says

Butter has solids in it that can burn, and isn’t very good for serious frying (like deep frying) unless you use clarified butter.  Margarine is not acceptable because it usually has a fairly high water content, and will spatter as the water boils off.  The various kinds of vegetable oil are cheap and great for frying, but are not mentioned.

“HINT: if you have a fat flare-up in a skillet, extinguish it with dry baking soda.” (pg 67)

survey sayssurvey sayssurvey says

If you have a grease fire in a pan, first turn off your stove and put a lid on your pan.  Baking soda is only useful in putting out small fires, anyway.

“There are many foods, however, which need to be cooled quickly and refrigerated rather than being permitted to stand several hours at room temperature.  Some of these are … potato salad, … and anything containing salad dressing.” (pg 70)

survey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey says

Mayonnaise actually slows spoilage.  So does anything with a good amount of vinegar in it, like salad dressing.  If something is going to spoil from being left out, it’s from the other ingredients in it, not the mayo.

“Always take the meat out of the market paper and rewrap it in wax paper with ends open so the meat can breathe” (pg 71)

survey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey says

Meat doesn’t need to “breathe.”  That’s for fresh vegetables and wine.  Meat with the ends left open will dry out, and can pick up whatever bacteria and spores floating around your fridge. Plus, re-wrapping adds germs from your hands, which are one of the biggest sources of bacteria in the kitchen.  Leaving it in the original wrapping until you are ready to use it minimizes the potential for contamination.

“When milk is on the verge of turning sour, sweeten it by adding a bit of baking soda” (pg 72)

survey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey sayssurvey says

The acid taste of milk that has begun to spoil can indeed be neutralized with a little baking soda.  But that doesn’t change the fact that your milk has begun to spoil.  Using that milk in baked goods would be better than drinking it, so the baking heat can kill off the bacteria.

Actually, apart from these mistakes, what jumped out of me is what information on food safety was missing from the chapter, which is a lot.  There’s no discussion at all of what kind of cookware is appropriate to use for what foods (except a recommendation for pressure cookers, with no caution about how those can be dangerous if you don’t know how to use them). Nothing about keeping pan handles turned so that you can’t knock into them, or about using potholders.  Nothing about how to select and use knives to avoid cutting yourself with them.  Nothing about how you should have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen.

And there’s a long paragraph about washing your hands, washing your vegetables, keeping your work area clean, disinfecting your dishtowels, etc. etc.  But there is no explanation at all about cross-contamination, or how to avoid it.   This chapter should have said “Don’t put your cooked meat back on the plate that just had your raw meat on it.  Don’t cut vegetables for salad on the cutting board where you prepared raw meat.  Anything that touches raw meat needs to be thoroughly cleaned before it touches anything else.”   This is kind of a basic thing, butis something that I would not expect a 19-year-old to know.

This is long enough for now, so next post I’ll come back to this same chapter, and we’ll talk about what the missionaries might actually be eating!

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