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“So You’re Going on a Mission!” What to do about Girls? July 14, 2016

Posted by Ubi Dubium in Books, Humor.
Tags: , , , , ,

Continuing commentary on the 1968 Mormon guidebook for future missionaries.

On we go to Chapter 2: Girl Care.

This is their chapter on dating and issues with girlfriends back home.  The author spends only three pages on this important topic, but her instructions could have been reduced to one word:  “DON’T“.

Don’t try to keep a long-distance relationship with your girlfriend from before you left, don’t expect to just resume a relationship when you get back, don’t even start dating before you leave, don’t get involved with anybody while on a mission, don’t, don’t, don’t.

This chapter feels more like it was written in 1868, not 1968.  Remember when you were a kid, and children’s books and Disney movies portrayed a world where sex didn’t even exist?  Where girls waited for their handsome prince, and all the prince wanted from her was a kiss, and then they got married followed by “happily ever after”?  I think the author is expecting these boys to keep living in that fairy-tale world of their childhood.

There is no mention of sex in this book, only “temptation”.  Even though girls were known to go on missions, this chapter really only addresses the boys.  And it has great advice for them like this:

“Never be alone with someone of the opposite sex regardless of her age.”

“Always stay at arm’s length except to shake hands.”

“And don’t think that just because you’re going to one of the Pacific Islands or to the Orient that you’ll be immune from temptation.  In working with people you become very close to them and basic differences may be forgotten easily and quickly” (all from pg 17)

And the attitude towards girls is completely shallow as well:

“But if, and when he returns, he finds that she is still interested in rock operas and concerts, all of which have become foreign and insignificant to him, she can easily be tumbled off her pedestal.” (pg 15)

Ignoring the real possibility that while the boy has been off focused 24/7 on religion and religion only, she’s been getting on with her life, maybe going to college, broadening her thinking, and now finds him a colossal bore.

Because the author treats sex as though it doesn’t exist, there is no advice whatsoever for the real problem here – these are 19-year-old males that are being asked to be celibate for two years, and not even supposed think about sex for all that time.  And we know that nothing gets you thinking about something like being ordered not to think about it.  How does a missionary handle the real problem of how to suppress his sex drive, at a point in is life when it’s the strongest?  Or more bluntly – what’s a missionary to do when he gets horny?  In the fantasy world of this book, that apparently never happens.

And there’s also an assumption that all the missionaries are completely hetero.  It says that they are assigned a twenty-four-hour-a-day companion to help them to resist “temptation” but what if the temptation IS their companion?

Since this book ignores this problem completely, I’ll just have to end with this helpful advice from the musical Book of Mormon:

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1. ToonForever - July 14, 2016

LOL – right? One of religion’s most fucking annoying aspects is its intense level of concern with what I’m doing with my peepee.

Liked by 1 person

2. ToonForever - July 14, 2016

And I just love that song, and that whole show, btw. Although this video is bugging the shit out of me by screwing with the narrative. 😀

Liked by 1 person

3. Daniel Digby - July 15, 2016

Where was this book when I was growing up? What does a missionary do when he’s horny? Too obvious… why do we have the missionary position? And what’s this silliness about homosexuality? Just like Iranians and Russians, Mormons are immune to it.

Thanks for the heads-up, though. Now I have something to foist off on my grandchildren. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to discourage those nice Mormon missionaries, and now maybe my whole family could be hopelessly happy.

Liked by 1 person

4. Daniel Digby - July 15, 2016

BTW, will you be covering Doctrine & Covenants? I found out from my missionaries that it doesn’t exist, but they were unable to tell me what religiously binding book forbids drinking coffee or tea. Be sure to cover God’s explicit instructions to Joseph Smith’s first wife, as spoken to him by God.


Ubi Dubium - July 15, 2016

Just doing this one book for now, and I don’t think there’s any actual doctrine in it. The next chapter will be about packing.

I’m not seeking out specifically Mormon books, I just happened to find this one. I’d probably do a book from a different sect next, equal opportunity sporking you know.


5. makagutu - July 15, 2016

Great musical.
Sex, what sex! They are missionaries

Liked by 1 person

6. Nan - July 15, 2016

Slightly off-topic, yet still about Mormons. Did you happen to see the hidden camera documentary awhile back on the rites and rituals involved with a Mormon being selected to serve as an Elder? Wow! It goes on and on and on! The guy that it was all being performed on actually began to look a bit bored. I know I was … and switched channels before it was over. (Sorry. Can’t remember which one it was on.)


Ubi Dubium - July 15, 2016

I don’t know if I’ve seen that one, but I’ve seen a long hidden camera documentary about young people being inducted into some level of priesthood. It included some really pompous videos about creation, and then the initiates learned a lot of secret passwords, signs and handshakes. I know I’d be bored.


7. The Gospel According to Jon - July 18, 2016

“And don’t think that just because you’re going to one of the Pacific Islands or to the Orient that you’ll be immune from temptation.

Translated from Mormon-speak: “You may think that non-whites are icky now, but don’t think that you won’t eventually be tempted by those dirty brown and yellow people.”

Liked by 1 person

Ubi Dubium - July 18, 2016

Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s what they were trying to say without actually saying it!



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