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Pastafarian Blasphemy February 17, 2016

Posted by Ubi Dubium in Rants.
Tags: , , , ,

For a long time I’ve maintained that there isn’t really any way to blaspheme the FSM because He isn’t jealous and doesn’t really mind if you don’t believe in Him.  Except that there is only really one blasphemy, and that’s the dry sandy “parmesan cheese” that comes in a can.

I have been vindicated!  Look at this article:

The Parmesan Cheese You Sprinkle on Your Penne Could Be Wood

Yes, that’s right!  The stuff in the bottle might not be Parmesan, might not be cheese, and might not even be food.

evil sand

Evil Sand

Actual grated cheese is allowed to have a small percentage of cellulose (that’s sawdust) added to prevent caking.  2%-4% is acceptable, and I don’t have a problem with that, since sawdust isn’t toxic.  Apparently, on a tip-off, the FDA made a surprise inspection of  the Castle “Cheese” factory in PA.

According to the FDA’s report on Castle, obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, “no parmesan cheese was used to manufacture” the Market Pantry brand 100% grated Parmesan Cheese, sold at Target Corp. stores, and Always Save Grated Parmesan Cheese and Best Choice 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese, sold by Associated Wholesale Grocers Inc., which along with its subsidiaries supplies 3,400 retail stores in 30 states. Instead, there was a mixture of Swiss, mozzarella, white cheddar and cellulose, according to the FDA.

Yes, the 100% Parmesan Cheese they were making contained no actual Parmesan Cheese. So how much of the product was wood pulp?  The article doesn’t give that information about Castle, but Bloomberg did send some chain-store “cheese” to a lab to see how much cellulose was present:

Essential Everyday 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese, from Jewel-Osco, was 8.8 percent cellulose, while Wal-Mart Stores Inc.’s Great Value 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese registered 7.8 percent, according to test results.

So I was right.  Do not buy the dry-sand-in-a-can that purports to be cheese.  Get it out of your fridge; keep it safely away from your Pasta.

Real Parmesan

If your grating cheese doesn’t look like this at the store, don’t buy it.

May the FSM (pesto be upon Him) touch you with His Noodly Appendage.  RAmen.


1. danielwalldammit - February 17, 2016

Oh man! I don’t even know if I can get the real thing here. The FSM is going to be so mad at me.

Liked by 1 person

2. Steve Morris - February 18, 2016

Good advice. Thou shalt never get your parmesan cheese (indeed, any cheese) out of a can.

Liked by 1 person

3. john zande - February 18, 2016

Ramen, Brother (or Sister). The Sauce has been smeared, our Lord desecrated. Perhaps it’s time we introduce some mandated punishment for such crimes against all that is good?

Liked by 1 person

Ruth - February 18, 2016

Perhaps we could sentence those who commit this abomination to the wood chipper?

Liked by 2 people

john zande - February 18, 2016

I like! Eye-for-an-eye.


ubi dubium - February 18, 2016

I suggest that those who manufacture this atrocity be condemned to eat it.

Liked by 1 person

Ruth - February 18, 2016

I guess the wood chipper might be a little harsh. Though some might prefer that to your suggestion, given the option. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds. Or maybe I have an axe to grind.

Liked by 1 person

ubi dubium - February 18, 2016

Just don’t grind it in the wood chipper! 😉


4. Ruth - February 18, 2016

I’ve never liked that dry stuff. It tastes(and looks) exactly like sawdust. I’m such a cheese snob, anyway.

Liked by 1 person

5. betunada - March 1, 2016

I KNEW IT! but will Betty (the cook in my house) listen? maybe we’ll find our way to the Mizithra layer of pasta-ness, i hope.



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