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God, you’re fired! August 2, 2013

Posted by ubi dubium in Humor, Questions, Responses.
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Over on her blog, Astreja asked this question:

Armed only with a vivid imagination, assume the persona of a god and come up with one or more god-like responses….We hear about gods who hear the *thud* of the sparrow when it hits the living room window, chirps feebly and staggers off muttering rude things about the idiot who left the drapes open.  Then there are the gods lurking “outside time and space,” wherever the Sam Hill that’s supposed to be, supposedly controlling reality without actually touching it.  Finally, there are the gods who do things like wandering into the Inn and starting a riot, or arguing with a tree…. Where do you fit on this continuum?

http://springygoddess.blogspot.com/2013/07/think-like-god-day-2013-hiding-in-plain.html

So that got me thinking, if there actually were a god, and I could fire him and take his place, what would I do?  And could I do a better job?  So here’s my “perfect plan”:

I'm god now

Day 1:  No more “divine hiddenness”  crap for me.  The first thing that I do, as soon as I take over the omnipotence gig, is to get on every TV channel, radio, twitter feed, blog, and say very clearly “Here I am!  No more wondering, no more apologetics or lame excuses.  Tonight I am rearranging the stars into some new constellations so you can all watch.  Tomorrow morning on every single tree you will find a magic book growing, which can be read by anybody, no matter what language you speak, because it’s magic.  In the book you will find one single commandment: “Be excellent to each other.”

Day 2:  Back on the media, “Well that was a great show last night.  I’m especially proud of my new constellations “Awesome Face” and “Spork”.  Next announcement, now that you know I’m here, I want to let you know that every single person who has ever claimed to have a divine revelation is completely wrong.  Anybody who claims that they speak for god is full of shit.  There are no ancient “holy books” that you need to hold sacred.  You can figure out morality for yourself, because it’s what you’ve always done anyway.  You can keep your churches and stuff if you they make you happy, but no more groveling or pretending you are better than everybody else, or spending millions on fancy buildings.  Music and potlucks are fine, keep those.  If your pastor is a nice person and a good counselor and social event coordinator,  keep him/her, otherwise you can chuck them out.”

Day 3: “OK, next.  When something inexplicably bad happens, you know how you guys will says “It’s all part of god’s perfect plan”?  Well screw that!   There is no perfect plan.  There’s no plan at all, other than to let you guys do your best and see what happens.  So take care of each other for a change, willya?”

Day 4: “There’s a bunch of stuff that my predecessor allowed for no good reason.  So I’m calling it off.  Childhood cancer is right out, as are all the other birth defects.  Botflies are cancelled, as are a bunch of other human parasites. (I’ll leave some diseases around to leave you a challenge, don’t worry.) Also, teenage acne, I’m eliminating that one.  And candy bars now have negative calories, so chow down and lose some weight.  Earthquakes are officially changed from a few big ones to lots of little ones.  And volcanos will now give you a year’s warning before they blow.  Tornadoes are reserved only for people who violate the “pretending you can speak for god” rule above.  I’m also sending down instructions on how to build a cheap and efficient desalinator and pipeline system, so you can get water from the coast to send to your farmland.”

Day 5:  “I’m fixing a few problems with human anatomy.  Everybody now gets earlids.  Appendixes no longer explode and kill you.  And most importantly, women who don’t want to be pregnant can actually shut down the babymaking system, just by deciding to.  And they can re-absorb a pregnancy that’s going badly if they want to, and it’s nobody’s business but their own.  (Since the ladies get this, I’ll cancel enlarged prostates, so the men get something good out of this too.)”

Day 6: “I reserve the right to meddle occasionally when the situation calls for it.  You’ll know when, because it won’t be subtle or “mysterious ways”.  For instance, if a person is being really completely horrible to other people, and won’t meet me for lunch to discuss it or anything, you might notice that their head suddenly falls off, probably while they are on national TV.  And no praying for this either, if I’m omniscient that means I’m already paying attention.  I think politicians who lie for personal gain will now have their noses grow, or turn to broccoli, or something else really obvious.  If your cellphone turns into cheese, it means hang up and drive.”

Day 7: I’m taking a break now and having some fun.  I like iridescence and metallic shine and sparkles and cute.  So to heck with natural selection for awhile, I’m going to make all the beetles come in cool shiny colors.  All the spiders will now be fuzzy with cute faces.  Moths get to be as pretty as butterflies.  You will be able to breed cats that stay looking like adorable fluffy kittens.  I’m going to pop some plants into being that grow already faceted gemstones.  Oh, and unicorns.  I’m making unicorns that actually fart rainbows.  You’re welcome.

So how’s that?  Suggestions on what to do the next week?

Comments»

1. john zande - August 2, 2013

:) :) :) :) :)

Five Smiley’s! That is golden.

2. Arkenaten - August 3, 2013

” And they can re-absorb a pregnancy that’s going badly if they want to, and it’s nobody’s business but their own. ”

This would, in fact, be an EXCELLENT topic for a post on the m,orality issues surrounding pregnancy.
I wonder how the Crispyuns and anti abortionists would handle this?
Seriousness aside, a good post.

3. cag - August 3, 2013

But, but, but. With clarity like that, how can you expect over 30,000 interpretations of your message? Where is the proclamation that the consumption of pasta is actually a cannibalistic rite? Oh, I’m supposed to accept unquestioningly. Never mind.

4. makagutu - August 4, 2013

Good post!
I think you have covered god stuff. To be god one has to be a lazy bummer too! The one in genesis, spoke for 6 days then rested! How do you get tired from saying let there be?

5. the frogman - August 5, 2013

“If your cellphone turns into cheese, it means hang up and drive.”

I’d worship you. Where do I send my tithing check?

ubi dubium - August 5, 2013

Well, as an omnipotent god, I’d have no need for worship or money. Be kind to a random stranger today, and send the money to Foundation Beyond Belief, and I’ll be appeased.

6. kevinjandt - August 5, 2013

Hi Ubi,

I hope things are well in your world. Interesting post. I do appreciate your sense of humor.

What if God actually came to earth? What if God actually walked around healing people? What if God actually cured all the diseases in the land? What if God actually raised people from the dead? What if God actually was killed and then was raised from the dead?

I wonder if people would believe that? Probably not.

It’s a pretty far fetched story. A story only fools would believe.

Kevin

ubi dubium - August 6, 2013

Well, you know, if that happened now, on the evening news and everything, people might take notice. Except that the stuff you list is too easy. We’ve cured lots of diseases now without any divine intervention. And now that we have defibrillators, we bring back “dead” people all the time. Your 2000 year old story reads too much like the other folktales of gods and demi-gods, being like humans but just a bit more. The Greek gods threw temper tantrums and chased human women, the Norse gods liked fighting and mead and made warriors powerful in battle, and the Hebrew/Greek/Roman messiah healed a few lepers, and did some parlor tricks, and was dead for a day and a half. It’s not that your story is “far-fetched”, it’s not far-fetched enough!

To be accepted today, a real god would need to do something way more impressive. That’s why I put in “rearrange the stars” above, something that is clearly beyond the possibility of a human trick, and that could be seen everywhere in the world, not just some mid-eastern backwater.

7. sue - August 6, 2013

Bet the Lord is laughing all the way to the unemployment office…just kidding. Payday is coming to each one of us and that’s for real.

ubi dubium - August 6, 2013

That sounds like a threat of hellfire and damnation. When I fire god, I’m getting rid of those too (as part of the “people who say they speak for god are full of it” rule on day #2). Any religion that needs to use threats to keep people believing in it isn’t worth believing in.

cag - August 6, 2013

Ubi, you have some superfluous words in the last sentence. Please allow me an opportunity to make a correction.

Any religion that needs to use threats to keep people believing in it isn’t worth believing in.</blockquote

ubi dubium - August 7, 2013

Last month I met a representative from the Church of Bacon. He gave me a T-shirt that says “Praise Bacon”. That’s a religion I could believe in, because bacon.

8. Andrew - August 9, 2013

Love it!

9. Atheist Kitty - October 3, 2013

I like this so bad it hurts :)

10. lillyblack82888 - January 7, 2014

Reblogged this on Life and Other Musings and commented:
I LOVE this! :D

11. If YOU were God | Beyond God - January 7, 2014

[…] Question with Boldness […]


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